REAL TALK: Pregnancy & the 4th Trimester

Don’t get me wrong, I really did love being pregnant. Okay, maybe love is a strong word–but I did genuinely appreciate the fact that my body was growing a tiny little human. And now that I’m NOT pregnant, I definitely look back on it with a weird fondness, and I think I miss it?  But damn, I really do love sushi and wine. And let’s not forget about the “4th trimester”…that sh@#t is REAL. This post is a bit of a laundry list of all the things during pregnancy and the weeks after that annoyed and baffled me. I do realize, however, that for people who are struggling with infertility issues this post could seem incredibly inappropriate and obnoxious. I certainly don’t want it to seem like I am not SO grateful to have had this experience, and my heart goes out to those of you who are having or have had trouble getting pregnant.

Finally, for those of you reading this who have had a baby, I would LOVE if you would comment or send me your own experiences! (Feel free to stay anonymous!)  I’d like to compile more of these in another post, because honestly I love hearing that I’m not alone–and I know I have missed a ton! Also, be sure to check out the video we made for Gracie before she was born at the end!

“Enjoy every minute of the time you have left!”

I heard this a lot when I was pregnant, especially when I was a week overdue. I hated it. I get that it was coming from a good place, but when I hit 40 weeks I wanted to get the GD SHOW ON THE ROAD. I wasn’t trying to go see another movie (we had seen 5 in 3 weeks), I didn’t want ‘one last date night,’ I wanted that baby OUT. Not to mention, I have enjoyed every minute since–so why do people try to force you to put so much pressure on those last few weeks?!

“OMG you’re SO SMALL!”

Try to refrain from a big ol’ eye roll here, but I really hated when people looked at my belly and said, “OMG you’re so small!” I’m not even being dramatic when I say this happened roughly 30 times while I was pregnant. I know what you’re thinking – “You should feel LUCKY, ya ungrateful B.” And I really did…until my doctor started to tell me that my belly was measuring a few weeks behind, aka there was a chance that the baby was smaller than ‘normal.’ Suddenly I went from feeling lucky to have less baby weight to lose to feeling like I was already failing my unborn child! Was I not giving her enough nutrients? Had my body been stunting her growth?? Every time I heard “you’re so SMALL!” it reinforced this thought that things weren’t normal, and that’s the last thing I wanted to think about!

HOLY INDIGESTION.

I have to admit that I am fortunate to have had a relatively easy pregnancy. I had the occasional aversion to certain foods (mostly meat which I don’t really eat anyway) but for the most part I can’t complain. Especially when I know of some friends who have had it BAD. But I did have indigestion for the last 2 months and honestly, I think it changed me. Raw onions, you used and abused me. Also Dear TUMS. I love you.

unGRACEful

We had decided our first girl would be named Grace long before I was pregnant. So when I WAS pregnant and became so ungraceful, it was like a sick joke! 🙂 I have always been a pretty active person, as well as an athlete, so I think I had unreal expectations of what I would be like while pregnant. I had read about pregnant people running marathons and still doing crossfit until they were 9 months along, so I was sure I wouldn’t have a problem with keeping up my exercise routine. Boy was I sooo wrong. First of all, the minute I found out I was pregnant (or so it felt) my boobs grew 3 sizes. I’m not joking. I remember trying to run on the treadmill and had to stop 2 minutes in because my boobs were basically hitting me in the face. To be honest, I wasn’t too bummed about it because running in Denver is the WORST with the high altitude. But I WAS really discouraged about not being able to feel like I had completed a decent workout. I also get overheated very easily when I work out, so my days of doing Shaun T’s Insanity were long gone. It was so frustrating to be forced to call a light yoga routine or a long walk my ‘workout.’

But back to the ungraceful bit…I couldn’t believe how clumsy I became. It was honestly unnerving how quickly I could lose my balance. I actually fell down the steps–TWICE! One was less scary because it was only a three-step stairs, but the other was a full flight of (thankfully carpeted) stairs. I had a backpack on and was carrying a bag that got wrapped around my arm so badly that I needed help untangling it. I was fine, but it scared the crap out of me. It also scared the crap out of Tim and my FIL, too, as they were in the other room and heard a huge BANG BANG BANG as my butt hit each step. This was also a day after I was so sick I threw up for 24 hours straight–so it was definitely a good wake-up call that it was time to slow down and admit that I needed to take it easy!

Breastfeeding Blues

I think this next one is pretty rare, so I’m not sure if any of you will be able to relate…but just in case there’s someone out there who is having the same problem, I wanted to include it. When I began breastfeeding in the hospital, I immediately felt a really weird sensation and it wasn’t just the incredibly uncomfortable ‘after contractions’ that help your uterus shrink back to size. When I got home, this feeling continued to get more intense each time I nursed. It’s hard to explain, but at first I would immediately lose my appetite–but only for the time while I was nursing! I also would experience the most intense feeling of nostalgia, like I was missing someone or something. Then it would turn into a feeling of guilt or failure, like I was doing something wrong. It was seriously the weirdest thing! One day I was so overcome with the feeling (and I was nursing so often) that I started to wonder if maybe it was a sign of postpartum depression. So I legitimately googled “weird feeling while breastfeeding” and I found that it’s actually a THING! It was honestly the one and only time all those mom forums made me feel better instead of freaking me out more.

Anyway, it’s called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (or D-MER) and without going into too much detail, it’s characterized by an abrupt dysphoria, or negative emotions, that occur just before milk release and continues not more than a few minutes. In this case, dysphoria is defined as an unpleasant or uncomfortable mood, such as sadness, depressed mood, anxiety, or restlessness. The craziest part about it, however, is that it’s actually caused by an inappropriate drop in dopamine that occurs whenever milk is released. So it’s legit an imbalance in your BRAIN! Just because I find it fascinating, here’s more on what happens from d-merg.org–but if you’re already over it skip the next paragraph. 🙂

“Milk release itself isn’t caused by dopamine dropping; it’s caused by oxytocin rising. In D-MER, the MER (milk ejection reflex) is a result of rising oxytocin (needed to move the milk out of the breast) but the D (dysphoria) is a result of inappropriately falling dopamine. Dopamine gets involved because it inhibits prolactin (which is what makes the milk) so dopamine levels need to drop for prolactin levels to rise in order to make more milk. Normally, dopamine drops properly and breastfeeding mothers never knew it even happened, in D-MER mothers however, it doesn’t drop properly and causes an instant and brief wave of  a negative emotional reaction that lasts until the dopamine levels restabilize after prolactin has begun it’s rise. ”

The 6 week timer

For the 6 weeks after Gracie was born, I was overwhelmed by the generosity and love I felt from everyone around me. I told Tim I never wanted to leave the hospital because I felt like a celebrity and everyone was just SO NICE to me. All I had to do was push a small watermelon out of my gine and suddenly I could do no wrong! In all seriousness, though, I am still so incredibly thankful for all of the support I received after I gave birth. I did feel, however, a pretty dramatic shift after I hit 6 weeks and was ‘cleared’ by my doctor. I know a majority of it was brought on by my own expectations of my recovery, but it seemed like once the 6 week timer was up I was supposed to be BACK AT IT. I felt like people kept asking, “So what are you up to now?” To which I kept thinking, “I’m literally sitting here staring at my baby all day for hours on end and it never gets old–JUST LET ME LIVE.” The only thing I wanted to ‘Lean In’ to was taking naps with my newborn on my chest. So why did I keep feeling guilty about it? I think there are so many expectations for women after they give birth and a lot of them were created BY women. Why am I supposed to be getting anything accomplished during my maternity leave other than being MATERNAL? Anyway, rant over.

Thanks for visiting, but

Having visitors during the first few weeks after we had Gracie literally kept me sane. I know having guests can stress some people out, but I have always been a ‘the more the merrier’ type of person. Having people come and stay with us also motivated me to get dressed every morning and put on a little makeup (which made me feel more like a human and not just a boob!) What I did notice, though, is that I started MISSING the baby! Even though I was there the whole time, I would get the weirdest feeling if I went too long without holding her. Maybe it was because I was still getting used to her being outside of my body, or maybe my hormones were just going haywire–either way, it was such a strong feeling! I remember there were a few times when I would secretly hope that she would cry so I had an excuse to take her back and spend a few moments with her as she nursed. I just couldn’t stop staring at her and feeling an overwhelming sense of aw like, “HOLY CRAP THIS TINY HUMAN CAME OUT OF ME.”

DON’T BLINK! IT GOES BY SO FAST.

I’d put this one in the same category as the “enjoy every minute of the time you have left.” I like to consider myself a pretty optimistic person, so it tends to annoy me when people make a positive thing negative. Yes, your baby grows and changes so fast it’ll make your head spin–but why must we obsess over it like it’s a bad thing! It seriously stresses me out. I find that I get SO excited when she reaches a new milestone because each new stage is better than the last! Sure, there’s nothing quite like those first few moments when you meet your baby for the first time, but seeing her grow and become a little person is the coolest thing I’ve ever experienced. Why must we go around putting pressure on ourselves to not miss a single second? But this is also coming from someone who has (no joke) 18,789 photos on her iphone…so I’ll just shut up now.

Baby Spam

Speaking of photos on my iPhone, GAHHH BABY SPAM. I know it’s a thing, and I know I overshare. But I JUST CAN’T HELP MYSELF. It’s a sickness, really. It gives me so much anxiety because I don’t want to be THAT GIRL. But yet I do it anyway. Seriously, maybe I need help. But then I think, I love looking at other people’s babies–so maybe that’s just the stage of life I (and a lot of my friends and family) are at and we should all just embrace the annoying amount of baby photos? But also real talk what the eff did I take pictures of before this baby? OH that’s right, my dog………..woof.

Pumping & BAC (Boobie Alcohol Content)

I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT THIS TOPIC. But I’ll try to keep it short. First of all, everyone is obviously entitled to their own opinion on this and everyone produces milk differently. With that said, however, I feel like there is a lot of conflicting information out there and I found the whole thing very confusing. When I was still in the hospital, I asked as many people as I could about pumping. When could I start? When should I pump and how often? How many ounces should I be getting each time? I asked every one of my nurses as well as the lactation consultant at the hospital. And each person told me something different! It was SO frustrating. I wish we could all just agree on the fact that no one has the ‘correct answer.’ The best that you can do is trial and error and find what works for you, your body and your baby. No one way is the right way! I ended up pumping within the first week and have pumped once every day (in the morning) since. Sometimes we’ll give her the pumped bottle during that day or that night, or some days I’ll save it and throw it in the freezer to build my stash. All I know is that this has worked well for me for the last 5 months!

I felt (and still feel) that the same confusion surrounds drinking and breastfeeding as well. I read some articles that said you shouldn’t have anything to drink before the baby is 6 weeks old because it will affect your milk production. Other articles said to pump and dump, while others said to just wait it out and the alcohol in your breast milk will be eliminated at the same rate as your bloodstream. I think the biggest issue I felt with regards to drinking and breastfeeding, though, is the guilt! Am I a bad mom for wanting to enjoy a glass of wine?! I know I could save myself a lot of trouble by choosing to not drink until I’m done breastfeeding, but I want to live my life! It’s a big job to literally sustain another human life with your own body, so I think making sure I’m staying mentally happy is important. And if that means enjoying a couple glasses of wine while I watch the Bachelor with some friends, so be it! I drank wine before Gracie was even a week old and have had some every week since–and she is still thriving and well!

And in the end, it was all worth it…

Press PLAY on the video below! (P.S. That’s me playing the piano in the background! 🙂 )